Four Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain

I remember the day my parents took me to the optometrist for my first eye exam. I was only 6.


There were signs that there might be a problem. More than once I was catching the corners of tables, knocking over bric a brac and pulling table cloths across the room because a button on my shirt had gotten caught on them. I was squinting at the TV. I was squinting when I would try to read. I was squinting at my vegetables on the plate. Was that a pea? A carrot? A bean? All of the above?


Signs. Yes. There were signs.  One day my parents and I were sitting in the living room. I was attempting to read a book. It was then that my mom said to my dad, who was immersed in the morning paper, "Bob, I think we need to take Cheryl to the eye doctor."  My dad was nonplussed about the idea. I remember him sort of grunting and saying, "Okay. Make an appointment." My dad sort of went along with whatever my mom said where I was concerned.


"Bob, I think Cheryl should join the astronauts on the next Apollo mission."


"Okay then. Call NASA and have it arranged. Just make sure you tell them she's only 6 and probably won't care much for those space food sticks."


Seriously, he left all that sort of stuff to my mom. The dentist, the doctor, the shots, the PTA meetings, the school conferences. And now, the optometrist.


Most people who wear glasses will tell you they didn't realize how bad their eyes were until they had them checked. Such was the case with me.


I liked Dr. Crane. He was old and gentle and kind. The kind of eye doctor you'd like to hug if that sort of behavior was appropriate toward an eye care professional. Dr. Crane never hugged me, but when he looked into my eyes I got sleepy for some reason. His voice was so soothing. He would put those big mechanical glasses on me and stare at me through them and say, "Okay, Cheryl. Is this better or worse?" I would say, "uh, better...no..the same..no worse...wait..." He was patient. He would say it again as he changed the lenses in the big mechanical pair of glasses.


"Better or worse?"
"Better."
"This is better?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"Good."


Then the eye chart. My first eye chart.


"Which line ahead looks clearer on the chart?"
"The top one."
"Can you read it?"
"Yes."
Silence.
"WILL you read it for me then?" Dr. Crane sounded a little impatient for the first time.
"Yes."
"Okay, any time you're ready, Cheryl."
"Oh, uh, E O C H D F G O."
"Good. Now I'm going to ask you to read the last line."
"I can't see the last line."
"Just read what you can."
"I can't see it at all. It's a blurry line."


Dr. Crane slid a piece of glass in front of the mechanical glasses.
"Is this better?"
"Kind of."
"Okay then. Can you read them please?"
"E O C H D F G O. Hey, that's the same as the bigger line at the top!"
"Yes, yes it is, Cheryl."
"So why not just let me read the top one that I can see?"


I could tell he was getting a little annoyed with me.  But he didn't let it show.


"Because I'm trying to find out how strong your glasses should be."


I pulled away from the mechanical glasses and squinted at Dr. Crane.
"Glasses?" I said in a still, small voice. I was 6. I did not want glasses.


My mom had been sitting nearby flipping through a magazine. Up until this point, she wasn't paying much attention. But now she put the magazine down and said, "Your great Grandpa wore glasses and my Grandpa had a glass eye!"


What?


Dr. Crane even looked mildly horrified.


"Vivian, you shouldn't tell her about the glass eye. It's irrelevant to Cheryl's situation."


Yeah, Vivian. Put a lid on it.


Turns out Dr. Crane had been treating my mom's side of the family for years and had fitted my Grandpa with his famous glass eye. But still. Why bring it up now? Unless Dr. Crane was about to gouge out both my eyes and replace them with two marbles, who the hell cares?


He switched back into soothing voice mode again and pulled the mechanical eyes off me.  I leaned back in the chair.


"Well" Dr. Crane said, addressing my mom more than me, "she needs glasses, Vivian. She's myopic. Really near sighted. Just like your great Grandpa was. Could be hereditary. But either way, she's going to have to wear glasses for the rest of her life most likely." Mom just nodded approvingly. He could've said to her, "Cheryl is growing a third eye and will more than likely grow up to be a freak. You should call Barnum and Bailey as soon as you get home" and my mom would've complied.


I sat there with a look of horror on my face. I wanted to scream at both of them.


UH...I'M RIGHT HERE!


Finally, Dr. Crane looked back at me.


"Come on into the lobby, Cheryl. We'll fit you with new glasses. We just got some new styles in and we'll find you something that will look good on you."


What he didn't say was that it was 1966 and there were not a whole lot of cat ear frames that were going to comfortably accommodate what would come to be known as "coke bottle lenses."


In 1966 there were no plastic lenses. There were no scratch resistant options. There were glass lenses and that was it.


I tried on only a few pairs before I settled on a tortoise colored pair of cat ears. All the rage in 1966. I couldn't really see how they looked on my face because the lenses weren't in them yet. My mom sat next to me as I tried them on. She made few comments about my choices. Once or twice she would say something like, "You know Marilyn Monroe wore glasses in How to Marry a Millionaire." This was little consolation. At the tender age of six I had no idea who Marilyn Monroe was yet.


"They'll be ready in a week, Vivian" Dr. Crane told my mom. My dad picked us up and as we drove home my mom and dad chatted about my new glasses as I sat slumped in the back seat of the Ford pondering my future as a four eyed freak show.


"What did the doctor say?" my dad asked.
"She needs glasses. She's myopic. That means she's very near sighted. But she picked out a pretty pair of glasses. I told her Marilyn Monroe wore glasses in How to Marry a Millionaire."


Again, people. I'm 6 years old. Who the hell is Marilyn Monroe?


********************************************************************


My glasses were ready a week later as promised. During the ride back to Dr. Crane's office my dad drove in silence. My mother did not.


"Now when you get these glasses you're going to have to be careful at school" she explained. "You'll have to tell the gym teacher you can't play dodge ball anymore because they might break."


I seriously doubted I would have to tell the gym teacher anything. The fact that I was going to be wearing circus size cat ear glasses on my six year old head was probably going to be telling enough.


"And you'll have to be careful not to scratch them at recess. Watch yourself when you're on those monkey bars" she added. What she didn't know was that the only time I climbed up on the monkey bars was so I could find a quiet place to read.


I sat in the back seat quietly and watched the scenery pass me by in a 40 mile per hour blur. I thought wow, on the way home I'll be able to see all of this clearly. Lucky me.


My dad said nothing until we arrived at Dr. Crane's office and parked the car.


"I'll wait here. You take her in to get them" he said.
"Don't you want to see them on her?" Mom asked.
"I'll see her when she comes out with them on" Dad replied.
"Fine" Mom said. She grabbed my hand and into Dr. Crane's office we walked.


Mom and I approached the receptionist's desk.
"We're here to pick up my daughter's glasses" mom announced. The receptionist smiled and opened a drawer in a filing cabinet and started thumbing through dozens of pairs of glasses ready to be fitted. Finally, she pulled out a tiny manila envelope. My glasses. My new Marilyn Monroe glasses. 


"Have a seat at the fitting table" she said. We walked over to the fitting table and had a seat. In front of me was a big round mirror. Mom took a seat next to me. The receptionist sat down across from me. She pulled the glasses out of the envelope and told me to look up at her. She put the glasses on me and said, "how's that?"


I looked around the office. Everything was crystal clear. I couldn't believe it. Clearer than I could ever possibly imagine. It was magical. It was the 1966 version of high def. I loved it. Everything was insanely crisp and perfect. 


"How do they feel behind your ears? Do we need to tighten them up a little?" she asked.
"A little" I said. She took them off me gently and dipped the stems in a little bowl of sand next to her that had been heated. Then she moved the stems this way and that and put the glasses back on me. My mom was just staring at me, saying nothing at first.


"How do they feel now?" the receptionist asked.
"Okay I guess" I replied, then added, "they feel kind of heavy."


Mom chimed in, "Well honey they're pretty thick. You have bad eyes." The receptionist agreed.




Yes. Yes, they were pretty thick. I looked in the mirror at two distorted eyes staring back at me. I hated them already, despite the obvious improvement to my bad vision they provided.


"You'll get used to them in a few weeks, Cheryl" the receptionist assured me.  I thought, "wanna bet?"


It was turning out to be the worst day of my life. So far.


When I was satisfied that they were fitted correctly my mom paid for them and we left the office. We got back into the car where my dad was waiting for us. He was listening to the Tiger game on the car radio.


So that's why you didn't want to come in. Whatever.


He looked at me and tried to hide an expression of surprise. I looked hideous. I knew it.


"Well those are...glasses..." he said. Mom nudged him.
"Bob...that's enough" she said.


Nobody said a word during the drive home. But I could see the passing scenery out the car window as clear as a bell. Go me.


************************************************


It was like starting my first day of school all over again. The first day I walked into Miss Hick's 2nd grade wearing my new glasses  was scary as hell. Miss Hicks wore glasses and a few other of my class mates wore glasses but I seemed to be the only one wearing glasses with thick ugly lenses that distorted my eyes.


Now, let me tell you bullies something. There is  something really hurtful about being called "frog eyes" when you're six followed by a mimicry of "ribbit, ribbit" by the class moron. And there's even something more hurtful about a teacher who just sits on her ass behind her desk and does nothing to stop the moron from teasing you. Miss Hicks was a nice enough teacher. But she didn't do shit to stop the teasing. She just let that moron have a day's worth of fun at my expense. Oh yeah, once she said, "Now, blah blah blah.  Cheryl has to wear those glasses. There's nothing she can do about it." But she didn't chastise HIM for teasing me.


I suffered in silence. I was a bookworm by nature and found myself reading alone at recess. I stopped participating in any games that the other kids were playing. No dodge ball. No kick ball. No soft ball. Nothing. The glasses were heavy and were starting to pinch my nose and the backs of my ears. I hated them. At the end of the first month of having them, there were deepening cuts on the backs of my ears and a huge red mark on the bridge of my nose. I looked and felt like the ugliest child on the planet.


Finally, the inevitable happened. My bully moron walked up to me one day at recess and went "ribbit, ribbit" one too many times. I was minding my own business reading on the swings when something inside of me snapped. Just like Ralphie Parker in "A Christmas Story," I lunged at my bully moron and knocked him to the ground. He was stronger than me and wiggled away from me before any real damage could be done. He backed off before the teacher saw us. I went back to my reading. Not five minutes later I felt a rock hit me on the side of the head. My glasses went flying off my face. The next thing I heard was the laughter of about five or six kids. This time Miss Hicks heard the commotion and walked over to the swings. I was crying. She saw my now broken glasses on the ground not far from the swings and picked them up. She motioned for me to come with her into the school and told the rest of the kids to go back to their recess.


I thought to myself, someone just threw a rock at me and they get to go back to playing? You're not going to do anything? Really?


Nope.


Once back inside her classroom, Miss Hicks examined my glasses. They were broke in two places. The bridge was cracked and the left stem was bent out of shape.


"I'll have to call your parents, Cheryl. They'll have to get your glasses fixed." My heart sank. I thought she would say something a little more promising to my six year old self like, "These are broken. You can never ever wear them again."


********************************************


My Mom and Dad sat me down in the living room that evening. My dad was holding my busted glasses in his hands. Mom was silent. She looked like she was in mourning.


"Do you know how much it's going to cost to get these fixed?" dad asked.
"No" I said quietly.
"A lot" he replied.
"It was an accident" I said.
"How was it an accident?" dad asked.
"Someone threw a rock at me" I replied.
"Miss Hicks didn't say anything about a rock" he said sternly.
"Well they did" I said.
"Why didn't she mention it?" dad asked.
"I don't know why" I replied, now on the verge of tears.
"Well. We can't afford to get them fixed right now. I'll just have to tape them up until we can" Dad said.


Oh no. What the do you mean 'tape them up?' 


I was only six but I knew in my heart what that meant. I had seen Jerry Lewis in the Nutty Professor. I knew what people looked like in "taped" glasses. But my dad went there. He spent the better part of that evening in the basement in his work area "taping" my glasses with masking tape. Finally, after about two hours, he came back upstairs and found me in front of the television trying to squint my way through an episode of Bonanza.


"Here. Try these on now" he said. I took my glasses from him and held them close so I could see them. Oh Sweet Jesus. I slowly put them on and looked up at my dad.


"How do they feel? Can you see okay?" he asked me. I nodded.
"Yeah. I guess so" I mumbled. They were taped at the left stem and across the bridge. Hideous.
"Well there you go then. You can wear them like that for a while until we can get back to Dr. Crane's to get them fixed."


My mom walked into the room then. She stared at me for a long minute.


"Bob! What did you do?" she exclaimed.
"I fixed her glasses" he announced proudly.
"Bob that looks terrible! She can't go to school like that!"


Thanks, mom.


"Well she'll have to until we can get them fixed" dad said.
"We need to get them fixed right away. She looks silly like that. The kids will tease her" mom said.
"Kids won't bother her. She can just ignore them if they say anything" dad replied.


 Really? Because the last time I checked big thick broken glasses repaired with masking tape did not a pacifist make. Ignore them? Like hell.


I don't know when my dad got the idea up in his head that a six year old wearing ugly broken glasses somehow built character during the Wonder Years. So far in my life I had only had one fight with a friend on the block and that was over who had the nicer lunch box and we were mostly yelling at each other. We hurled names like "poop head" and "shitty butt" and "crap face" but no punches were thrown that I recall. Nope. Cheryl didn't know how to fight. And I wasn't real eager to learn. Jumping on my bully moron at recess wasn't so much fighting as it was a reaction. 




*****************************************


The next day I went to school wearing my masking tape repaired glasses. I walked into Miss Hicks's class feeling awkward and shamed. Every eye was on me. My bully moron was the first to start with the usual "ribbit, ribbit." Then he yelled out really loud, "HEY! LOOK AT BULLFROG'S EYES NOW!" and soon the whole class was joining in laughing and carrying on at my expense. I took my seat and wanted to cry but held back the tears. Miss Hicks, as usual, sat behind her desk and did nothing. When she did speak it was to quiet the class and tell us to pay attention. We were going to talk about Daniel Boone.


Whatever, bitch. Screw Daniel Boone. I'm in no mood.


*************************************************
That day at recess was torture. I felt every eye on me. I took my book over to the swings, sat down and tried to read. It wasn't long before my bully moron sauntered over to me and started his bullshit.


"Hey Bullfrog. Ribbit, ribbit." 


I tried to pretend I didn't hear him.


"Where'd you get those big bullfrog eyes, Morgan Organ?"


Oh geez. Not Morgan Organ, too. 


"Hey Bullfrog. I'm talking to you." My bully moron was relentless.  Finally, I looked up at him.


"What?" I asked.
"Where'd you get those big ugly glasses? They look like coke bottles. You look like you got frog eyes. How come you got tape in the middle of them? You look stupid."


A few other kids started to gather around. I thought I would die.


I couldn't think of anything to say. No comebacks. No creative name for my tormenter. He just went at me like there was no tomorrow. And I just sat there on the swing and took it until the bell rang for us to go back inside. By the time he was done working me over with his hateful barbs, I was in tears. Only nobody could see them because my eyes were so distorted under the glasses.


This, perhaps, was a good thing.


**********************************************


By the time school let out that day it had started to rain during my walk home. The safety boy was leading a handful of us through the easement to our street. I didn't have an umbrella. I felt the raindrops start to patter on my glasses. As the rain eventually fell harder, I couldn't hardly see anything in front of me. I fell behind the rest of the kids walking by a few feet. I couldn't see to keep up. Finally, the safety boy turned around and stopped and waited for me.


By the time I caught up to the rest of the kids I was four blue eyes crying in the rain.


But again, nobody could tell.


And this, again, was a good thing.


*********************************************


Postscript.


A friend asked me once why I grew up with such a hard edge. Why do I prefer to be alone most of the time? Why do I fight back with such a vengeance? What made me the way I am? Why am I often a curmudgeon, a smart ass, a wiseacre, a mouthy bitch? Why do I so often spit venom when I get pissed off?


Hmmmm.


Well. I wear contacts now. I have a lot of catching up to do. It's my turn. 


My turn.


And the next time you see a little kid wearing ugly thick glasses you better be nice to them.


After all, the last thing we need in this world is another me walking around with contact lenses and an attitude in another forty-five years. Right?


Right?


You see, not all of us commit suicide when we get bullied. Some of us grow up to be an eternal pain in your ass. Some of us will stab you in your heart with a pen and watch you bleed all over the page. 


Like I said. It's my turn.


My turn.


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