Twilight Zones...

My good friend Suz told me that depression, loss and weight issues are all intertwined. She's right. They are. I knew that going in. I figured I was either going to hide from my friends or show my true face, my true self, warts and all. This doesn't mean you all get to join me as I rummage through my underwear drawer for a pair of Hanes for Her that doesn't ride up. But it does mean that I think I have, no, I know I have things to say that will not serve me well to keep to myself. I know that if you're reading this now you have experienced one or all of these bumps in the road at one time or another. Maybe your depression is really anger. Maybe your loss is not as obvious as the loss of a parent. But it's still a loss. I'll tell you what. If you lost your favorite ring down a sink drain and that made you cry because someone special gave it to you, then you belong here. If your weight issue/food addiction is really another kind of addiction, please, stay. And if you think this is going to be pseudo therapy every day, you're wrong. In fact, I'm not sure what it's going to be yet. Right now it's for me. Because I know that depression in all of its manifestations, loss in its every form and addictions of every kind can be crippling and numbing. The good news is, I have a lifelong habit of thinking that just about everything is funny eventually. I always snap back, even after a good cry. Sometimes I laugh after a good cry. Sometimes after I laugh I eat something. Then I whine because I'm too full. Then I wonder why I ever quit smoking. Then I remember that cigarettes are disgusting. And on and on we go. I think they call that getting lost in ones own thoughts.

Guilty.

So yesterday I finished reading "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Never mind that the author did the talk show circuit. Never mind that Oprah gushed over her on her show. The book was pretty damn good for a book about food. But the point of the book was not that it was all about food. It was about our relationships with food. I wanted to dismiss it all as New Age Crap, repackaged mumbo jumbo, the usual suspects packed neatly inside of a self-help book. And indeed, there were parts that I did dismiss. Stuff that I just wouldn't get on board with. But I took the stuff I could use and that has made all the difference.

Did I mention that I was eating a slice of pizza while I was reading the last chapter?

I know, I know. And when I was eating the slice of pizza I was completely oblivious to the fact that I was eating the slice of pizza. Some tomato sauce even dripped on the acknowledgment page and it dried there and I didn't notice it until I flipped through the book to find a quote that I wanted to share with someone this morning. I thought to myself, "Really, Cheryl? Did you just do that?" Yup.

In the opening paragraph of Chapter 7 on page 89, the chapter called "Tigers in the Mind" Roth states, "No matter how developed you are in any other area of your life, no matter what you say you believe, no matter how sophisticated or enlightened you think you are, how you eat tells all." Further on she writes, "In the moment you reach for potato chips to avoid what you feel, you are effectively saying, 'I have no choice but to numb myself. Some things can't be felt, understood or worked through.' You are saying, 'There is no possibility of change so I might as well eat."

Yup. Been there. Felt that. I mean, if I'm chomping away blissfully on a piece of pizza while reading the last chapter of a bestselling book on food addiction, there is a problem.

The good news is I highlighted a lot of paragraphs in the book. I don't do that with books that don't impact me in one way or another.

I don't think Roth is some miracle guru here to set my waistline free. But I do think she has some good ideas.

These past six months have been very rocky for me. Perhaps they needed to be rocky so I could climb to the top and remember how hard it was to get there. So am I back on top of things again? No, not totally. Who the hell is, really? I've turned it around lately and made myself a part of the New Majority. I'm unemployed, I'm uninsured and I lost my Mom in less than a month. I thought I had it all wrapped up after the first couple months passed. People would ask me how I was, I'd tell them I was fine. I did confide in my best friend, but she even knew I was spinning out of control. And because she is my best friend, she keeps all those secrets. That's what friends are for. But now they are my secrets to share. Why? Because now I'm in a place where I know that I am not alone. REPEAT: I AM NOT ALONE. And I'm an arrogant, selfish fool if I think I am. I live in a state where it seems like half the population is now unemployed. I am not the only person in this country who is now without health insurance. And I know someone else out there in the stratosphere lost someone they loved once upon a time.

Depression, Loss and what the hell...let's just lump them into one category and call them addictions. That way the smokers and the drinkers and the gamblers and the druggies and the compulsive shoppers and the sex addicts AND the food junkies won't feel like they have nothing to contribute when it comes time to comment at the end of a post. Of course you can comment. And I promise I won't delete any of your feelings as long as you're not hateful or spiteful. Please try and refrain from dropping gratuitous F bombs all over the place if you get all heated up about something. I'm not a prude, but let's try and be intelligent when we communicate. Nobody ever listened to a tirade of profanity spill from someone's mouth and then said, "Wow, I bet he/she went to Yale."

Okay, that's enough about that. You got the idea.

So help me out. Why did I eat that slice of pizza during the last chapter of "Women, Food and God?" And will I be honest enough to tell you if I went to the kitchen for a second slice after I finished the book? Can brutal honesty be that hard? Apparently.

Depression, Loss and Addictions. I am not through with you. Yet.

Tomorrow I will be back with my boxing gloves on. I told you already. Down but not out.

Let us cling together.

Good Night.

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